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To much on my mind  
09:51am 08/08/2005
There's an 'event' coming up that I'm not looking forward to attending.

I'm not very outgoing, I need to feel comfortable with the situation and the people I'm with to be myself. When I'm not, I tend to come across hoity toytie. Which I'm not. But I don't want to go. My mom wants me to go. I think she just wants me to go and meet someone; I'm way past the 'normal' age of marriage and it doesn't seem like I'm anywhere near it either. So she wants me to go. The idea of going alone with strangers will just remind me of all the things I'm unhappy with myself about. All my insecurities. The same insecurities that keep me from dating and enjoying the company of my friends. I feel sick to my stomach now as I write this and I'm on the verge of tears. The only thing keeping me from crying is the fact that I'm at work and don't want them to see. When my day-to-day sifts from routine, as right now it's doing, I am so surprised at how unhappy I actually am and that the person who I usually am is just a mask.

I need to just come up with a lie not to go. Insist to my mom that I'm not going. And just go on as I've been. Hopefully, hopefully one day I'll believe myself and can overcome my insecurities. *sigh*
mood: draineddrained
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11:06pm 08/08/2005 (UTC)
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